A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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