Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
