i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
then he tried to convert me to islam
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
