just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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