Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
