How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
