put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
