In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
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I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
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I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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