I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
