my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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