At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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