We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
