"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
