i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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