i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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