Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize