I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
