my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
