hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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