is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
