my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
