Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Randomize
