i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
