i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
