I want to walk on stilts...naked
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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