How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
