I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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