You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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