The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
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Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
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i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.