i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
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just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
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arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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