This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
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This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
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I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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