Tell her she can't have a vagina
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
