my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
