rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
