Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
