WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
