i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
