If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
