my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
