I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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