i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
