just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
