I murdered the dance floor call the cops
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
