I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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