My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
where does the pee come out of this thing
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
