I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
