I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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