My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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