I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
