I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
