it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
