Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
