The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
