The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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