My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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