Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
