i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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