getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
