he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
